#9 Silent for good

Well there has been statement "Silent is gold."
But here, I mean it because this is important. Well as we know that there are many people who talks bullshit or just do the talk without any work. Well that example is also one of lots beneath this topic.
What I learnt today is silent in everyday conversations. I need to know there is time that is better for me to shut my mouth, or it is just the time.
I was talking about stuffs and people, and everything went just as usual, until my friend said that she didn't like what I said then. It was just about simple things, and I didn't mean anything nor expect her to give me that kind of feedback, cause i don't really mean a thing.
By the show on her face I can simply have this conclusion: She really hate it and she meant it that I shouldn't repeat what I did.
At that moment I thought of this: There are so many people who treat me or do the thing like I did, but for me it's fine because I understand the circumtances. But as we know that no human being has the exact personality, and that is why I need to filter the words before I speak.
I am really thankful that I have a friend who can push me to write my previous post, because that helps me to deal with this.

#8 Time to stop

I was just walking with my friend, chit chat lot of things, then come out this topic.

"You know sometimes I think people just don't know when is the time to stop"
"You mean?"
"Well for example for a couple who's with each other for years but then they know they had enough, but still want to go on because it is a waste."

Yes I know a lot of people like that. A waste that they already together for 3 or 4 years then split up? But I think it's more waste of time if they continue until like 7 or 10 years but then know they have to.

This also happen in work. I don't have a lot of experience yet, but so many said "I'm so tired, had enough." but then apply again for the job.

Well ofcourse it's not as simple as saying it, there are ofcourse a lot of consideration, no matter what it is. But for me is though it's hard, but If I won't get any benefit or feedback that worth enough to fight for why should I continue?

#7 Show Them Their Mistake

That project which consumed a lot of my time, made me refuse other opportunities, made me stay up late and spent money for meetings and printing proposal, yes that project is canceled.
Sad? Yes of course, I gave a lot of effort here, I did all I can.
So, any regret? No.

Yes it is canceled, all the time I spent just turn to nothing. Well is it really nothing?

Well there is something. There is always something you can learn. I have never lead a project before, so I had that experience now. And unfortunately it wasn't successful.

To be honest, I am not the kind of person who can easily express my feeling, because sometimes I can be so emotional that I am afraid that it will turn up with tears. So I often hide it with smile or act like nothing happened. Well not only that, you can say that I'm a really considerate and tolerant person, who thinks a lot about the other's feeling while they don't even bother to do the same.

So there is a question then, "Am I not a good leader? Did I lead them wrong?"

My friend keep saying : You are being too nice, and nice isn't enough, sometimes there are people who needs to be yelled or punished to finish their work.

I: Yes I see your point, but I'm like this because as a member before, I really can't disappoint my leader, when they are a good person. I doubt to keep up the good work if they're the bossy type and order around.

I also told my president about this, all my effort et cetera, and I can summary that this is what he said:

P: First of all I would like to thank you, for staying, and all your efforts. I really want to apologize for all the hard times you went through, how all your supports gone. Well you know, I agree that you are being too nice. Nice isn't enough, I get that you're like this because of what you experienced, but not everyone see things like how you see things. Some people make a use of kindness.

I got this response not only from him, but also my friends. But still, I already explained about my sentimental and sensitive side at the beginning, right? I still curious of how can people show their feelings and let their anger out. So I ask him:

I: How can you get mad at people?
P: Do I look like a person who always mad or yell at people?
I: No, I didn't mean that, but as the preaident of this organization I know that you always handle with things, and ofcourse also people that do wrongs or you will get mad at
P: Yes, but I am not mad or yell, what I'm doing is that to make them know that they are wrong, I need to show them their mistakes. If not, they will never understand. I think this is one of Indonesian people weakness, saying that things are okay, while it's not.

I am so glad to hear it. I know that my project is canceled, my team was disaster, but I do learn things, well for example is that. The thing is if something is not okay, show it, If not, nothing's going to change, and if they don't know their mistakes, who knows what will happen next? They might do the same mistake all over again. And like me, If he didn't tell me that, I will never know.

#6 Saying Thank You

What make me write this is because once my sister told me this.
"Don't forget to say thank you, many people don't notice"
After we walked through the hotel door and passed a hotel worker opening the door and smiling. That time I didn't pay attention to that simple act, but thankfully my sister did.

If you think about it, yes it is their job because it is a hotel service. But do you ever wonder how it is to be them, opening every single door, smiling, maybe say "good morning" but people just walk straight without even notice? Or do you notice your worker/friend/teammates after they did you a favor/hardwork?

From that time, I always pay more attention to simple acts, and once I became a leader of a project, I always try to appreciate every work my team member did. I also understand better how it feels like to be a leader, you have to remember to praise your member but sometimes no one realized how much effort you gave too, that's why I always congratulate my leader too.

#5 Define priorities

I am a really busy person, they say. Yes I love to fill my time with activities, it is just feel weird when I have a long spare time, I always have something to do.

But then, I had conversation with my bestfriend:

D: omg I have a full schedule today
W: of what? meetings again?
D: well ya, and also there are some other things i need to do
W: you're so busy lately
D: yes... there are so many things, and i can't leave it just like that. Others also say that i always gone lately. I think so too, i missed a lot of group hangout lately
W: you know, there's this thing you have to know. "When someone is busy, doesnt mean they do the important thing" and "sometimes you're too busy collecting stones and forget to collect the diamond"

Well It keeps resounding in my head, so am I in the right path? Am I collecting diamond? Or all the things i chase now are just stones?

I think that time make me realize and have a turning point. This is why:
1. There are so many things i have to do, and sometimes in the same time, while i can't divide myself to do it in the same time
2. I missed many moments with my friends
3. I come late because of the tight schedule and i have to be there
4. I stay up late a lot
5. Though i manage to attend those meetings or appoinments, sometimes i lack of focus because of the other job i need to do
6. Can't really focus in class or i often make my task second prioritized
7. Exhausted

So then, I start to prioritize things, I eliminate all the unnecessary things, i can't push myself beyond my limit. Well ofcourse, i still need yo get the things i signed now to be done, because i am responsible for it now, but for the future, i will be more organized.

#4 Questioning

Oh right, I haven't post for a while.

I think a lot, these days.

By these days I mean since 2013.

I really am confused with everything, I question everything, maybe this is the time for me, the moment of questioning is with me.

Well this is what have been going on inside my head:

1. RELIGION AND BELIEFS

    I don't understand, really, what people are fighting about.

 People keep arguing about which Religion is right and wrong, and which you have to believe in, that they fight each other even torturing others. I can't see what they're doing, really. I do believe in God and I believe any God in any religion they believe in is not pro to that kind of violence, I know that religion teach us to do goods and be better  (or is it wrong?). 

   Then next is Marriage between religion, and lot of things show up too, it's like a never-end.

2. FRIENDS AND PROFESSIONAL

    As I became the leader of a project, It starts to make me see a lot of things I haven't really think a lot before, such as how my previous leader felt, how to talk as a friend and as co-workers, and about commitment.

For me, this past 2 months have been really tough, it is really that hard. I don't know why, but when I took part as a member, I always try to do my part as a member and my resposibility, when I can't I usually contact my leader as soon as possible, but now? I have to be the leader yet my member isn't like what I expected. I have to take over of everything.

    Well the thing that have been going on my mind is this:

  

- Why they would do that? Am I not a good leader? (Am I too arrogant? or I'm too nice? Not strict enough? Confusing? Annoying?) a LOT of thing running on my head BLAMING MYSELF.

- HOW CAN a person do that over and over again? I mean if you suddenly gone without saying but once, it can be understandable, people make mistake, but why again and again and again? seriously I don't get it. the MOST QUESTIONING thing is when you run and leave your work behind, then come back and say apologies 'i'll do better, etc' but then leave again without leaving mark, 

How can you face that person who you disappoint--or you leave just like that again? 

I know that feeling, avoiding a person,

but I don't know that feeling, being so irresponsible that not only avoiding but "If i have to I can't see that guy again" or losing my face. I don't want to have that kind of feeling ever.

That is why, HOW they do that? 

it's like un-friend someone, giving up a chance, and will give up a lot of chances after giving up a chance that you had.

3. THEY ARE GETTING OLDER

Once I saw sticker written: "Sometimes you're too busy growing up you forget they get older too".

 It is like a thunderstorm.

That keeps me thinking a lot and makes me worry when they get sick, but at the same time asking myself: 'are you worthy enough?' 'do you really will make them happy by do this?' 'Will I disappoint them..?' 

and 'How can you possibly forget??'

evertime I am TOO BUSY GROWING UP.